hello i have moved my blog to substack

 here is the link: https://icedtrees.substack.com/

here is my new post: https://icedtrees.substack.com/p/on-goals

on magic

what is magic?

as usual, i don't have a good answer to the puzzle. what i do have is the privilege of having met a lot of incredible people.

here is a compilation of puzzle pieces, each authored by a different person in my life.

---

Change is exciting. Changing your background on your desktop, your phone, or your blog. Getting new books and choosing new subjects for another semester. Changing the way you think about things. Change feels good.

one key to magic i think is this novelty. when you move to a new place it's exciting. the first day of a job is always filled with unrealised possibilities. 

sometimes i think about moving to some remote place and living in a tiny town where i kill time every day until i die. i eat and drink at the same bar every day with the same friends, i come back to the same house, and sit at my computer watching youtube until i fall asleep. i sit on a rocking chair on my porch and watch tumbleweeds blow past. 

without change, how can i feel alive?

maybe that's why i moved to new york. maybe that's why i love watching oceans of people drift past me, each filled with unrealised possibilities.

---

My friend asked me what was going on in my life, what my life revolved around. I couldn't really think of anything, so I said "uni, work". And then I realised how sad that was. Life always feels busy with uni and everything - but I guess it's ultimately which things we place our priorities on.

it's a shame because uni and work were both magical things once. the first day of uni, the excitement of picking your classes for your first semester, your first day at work, your first time being paid.

as you settle into routines, you become better, more proficient. you already know which classes you're doing next semester. you know the shortest route between lecture rooms. you know which $5 subway sub tastes the best. 

when i was younger everything was new and every day was filled with magic. my lifespan felt infinite and the possibilities were intoxicating. i remember trying to design a rpg game with my friend jason and we came up with some generic rpg where you gained experience to level up and cast magic spells. we even designed some micro-transactions. i thought it was the greatest thing in the world.

the older you get, the more routines you build up. the more efficient you become. the 1000th time you go to school or go to work it's just a part of the background, part of the picture frame.

---

When I went to Hong Kong in 2014 with some friends, I remembered a distinct feeling of serenity standing in the Nan Liang Garden.  The sky, the trees, and the pagoda all brought me comfort, peace, and a gratitude for the world.  When I returned in 2016, here was my initial feeling: nothing. I might as well have been standing in the parking lot of Walmart.

magic is elusive. if there was a consistent way to find magic in your life, it wouldn't be magical. i've been writing this one same blog post for like 2 months because 9/10 times i open the post i feel nothing but apathy and give up.

You know that excited feeling, that spark when you look forwards to doing something? I feel like I've lost that feeling. 

sometimes your brain doesn't cooperate and you have no idea why and you wonder if you'll ever feel alive again.

i think i felt this the most during 2014. looking back on that year, i think taking on more and more responsibilities + starting to hyper-optimise my life made me very productive and also very unemotional and dead.

I think I am slowly losing my feelings. The more I am pressured to do work, the more I am responsible for, the more I become cold and rational. I suppose it is my way of coping, to hide myself away until I am little more than a perfect machine.

conversely, when you're in the right mental state sometimes even the most ordinary things can become very magical. simply living life can become very beautiful, if you're lucky.

When you're inspired you do more things and feel good about it. You wake up at 6:50am on Fridays and leap out of bed. You're motivated and have a purpose. 

---

i remember my excitement as the countdown became hours instead of days. picking you up from the airport and finally seeing you made my heart feel like it was bursting. and you felt the same. what a feeling. the honeymoon period sure is crazy huh.

i think it's easy for the honeymoon period to be deceptive in its beauty. simply existing in someone else's presence can become a powerful drug. being in love can colour your life in a way few other things can.

like all drugs though, the magic fades slowly over time. gradually, so that you don't notice it slipping away. suddenly spending time together isn't enough anymore. fire needs air, and spending every moment with your partner can slowly transition from intoxicating to suffocating.

some couples try to change things up in hopes of reigniting the magic they once had. it could be moving to a new city, getting married and having kids, or even introducing more people into the relationship.

some couples find air in their own individuality. they step away and look to remember who they are outside the relationship. they immerse themselves in their own hobbies and make new friends. sometimes they change and come back into the relationship a totally different person.

some are more content with the status quo and settle into what feels comfortable and natural. familiarity and companionship, safety and loyalty can mean more than any magical experience can. sometimes that's enough to be satisfied. sometimes it's not enough.

you have the audacity to say that our love became stagnant, that there was nothing to talk about because we already knew everything about each other. and you decided to go find something new and exciting in her instead of investing in us.

---

i wonder, does every experience have to be new to be magical? is it necessary to look for new experiences every day until we finally run out of countries to travel to and hobbies to learn?

i think not.

I honestly can’t remember the exact date but I remember I was at some ski resort and I remember going down for another run but something felt different and I felt my body loosen up and I felt like I was connected to my board. Without even thinking, I could feel the board on its own. Before making a turn I would normally have hesitation but I realized that I was already making my turns. I could feel the bumps and edges of the mountain that I would normally eat shit on but now was effortlessly gliding over them.

it's no wonder so many people love skiing and snowboarding.

To me, passion is an obsession where you almost forget to eat, you forget to sleep, or you lose yourself in it. It’s doing something a thousand times and even though it’s stressful and it drives you crazy, you can’t break away from it. It’s falling in love with the process and perfecting your craft. It’s obsessing over the nuances and meticulous details of every aspect of that craft.

some people get hooked on that feeling and never look back. i literally wake up each morning and look forward to making my coffee for the 2000th time. isn't that kinda ridiculous?

there's a lot of magic to be found in existing parts of life. sometimes we don't have to be looking for something new.

sometimes magic can be having a rare deep and meaningful conversation with your romantic partner of 20 years after weeks of taxes and chores.

---

The first time I ran to the beach and saw the sun set, I thought: how was it possible for life could contain so much joy? The first time I attended an orchestral performance by myself, I felt tears come to my eyes from the sheer depth of the music. The first time I took photos of my friends on an ancient Fujifilm camera, I realized with a swelling in my chest that I was capturing a moment I never wanted to slip away.

i think it's easy to hyper-focus on the big things in life. achievements, weddings, big holidays and trips overseas. sometimes they can let you down. you visit japan for the 10th time and wonder why the streets of Tokyo don't inspire you in the same way.

i'm reminded that there is a bit of magic in the little everyday experiences.

sometimes i scroll back through the last few years of pictures on my phone. there's so many little pieces of magic that i've forgotten about but my phone hasn't.

there's the time i won $10 on a slot machine and thought it was the greatest moment of my life

there's the time i tried to invent mango puree with just a mango, a fork, and a saucepan

there's the time i sent a link of my cooking instagram account to my parents, and my dad replied "mum is a good cooker, which makes me a bad cooker"

each of these memories feels like a tiny gem.

---

I can't remember when you explained to me how meeting new people is exciting, but I think I can understand it better now. This excitement from people and journeys is like the essence of living life. But I feel like a small amount of essence is enough for me to be content. I wonder if that's lucky or one day I'll look back and wish I lived life more.

i can be a very greedy person. sometimes i feel like i'm searching endlessly for the elusive small bites of magic, for the ever-changing feeling of aliveness. maybe i'm addicted to life.

this causes me to do a lot of questionable things, like setting my goal posts way too unrealistically high, saying "yes" way too easily to other people, and uprooting my whole life to move to america.

If you could do away with hunger entirely, would you do so, or continue to experience the upswings and downswings of satisfying a need that you could remove? 

when i first became a teaching assistant in 2014 -2015, i gave up my own coursework and all my free time to help my students. i stayed in the computer labs for countless extra hours, did nothing except sleep and work, replied to emails instantly, and generally made myself an angry person. i sacrificed myself for my students, then looked at the other teachers around me and asked "why aren't you sacrificing yourself too?" not something i'm proud of.

i've accumulated a lot of repetitive strain injuries over the years from pushing my body too hard. whether it's from chasing achievements in computer games, playing way too much volleyball, or writing letters to friends. i think part of me has always believed that if i'm not pushing myself hard enough i'm wasting my life away, not living it to the fullest.

for me that's okay, though. the only thing worse than getting a chronic injury again is never getting a chronic injury again - because there is nothing in life that i want enough.

---

i think this will be my last post for a really long time. i've never been the kind of person who can force themself to write and when the magic disappears my words quickly follow suit.

there are many times in my life when i thought that i was done with writing. once in 2012, once in 2015, once in 2017, and then once again in 2019. every time i came back it was for a different reason. in 2017 it was because i was being crushed by the stress of a new job where i had no idea what i was doing. in 2019 it was because daniel asked me why i like people.

every time i return to add another step to my journey, it feels like i'm a totally different person to the last. it's very magical to revisit old parts of your life as someone new. kind of feels like when you hit level 99 in an role playing game and you go back to the start to bully the level 1 goblins.

there are so many unanswered questions in the future. when will the next blog post be written? why will i be writing? what kind of person will i be when i click 'new post' again?

writing feels like its own kind of special magic, don't you think?

on journeys

"it's the journey that matters, not the destination"

these are the kinds of stupid motivational quotes you'll find on instagram and tumblr every once in awhile. they feel vaguely inspirational in a very abstract sense, and you can maybe derive some mild satisfaction from reading them if you're in the right mood.

tell that to someone who's failed their 10th job interview in a row. 

they make it sound so easy. what they don't tell you that you have to get shit on, pick up the shit with your hands, inspect it, and then use it to manure your garden.

---

when i was very young  i wanted to change the world, to become the best. i have a stupid list of goals written down somewhere. i remember two of them: become a chess grandmaster, and also cure cancer. wouldn't be surprised if i had written down "take over the world" or "memorise 1 million digits of pi" as well.

nowadays my goals are somewhat more realistic. "finish a half-marathon in under the 4 hour time limit" or "make a long-term average of $2 per hour playing 0.05/0.10 online poker". For context: walking a half-marathon very slowly would take about 4.5 hours and the 0.05/0.10 players on ignition are so weak that an above average chimpanzee could make money from them.

while it's nice to achieve your goals and not fall short, it does feel a bit sad to have none of the grand ambitions of a more idealistic version of myself. while i never cured cancer, i was pretty decent at multiple-choice science competitions. while becoming a chess grandmaster is still so far away i can't even see it with a telescope, i did become good enough to beat everyone at my high school and lose to everyone with any actual skill. and i became a starcraft grandmaster which is close enough i guess.

sometimes i think it's a bit ridiculous to say the journey has paramount importance, because the destination is what gets you out of bed to take another step on the journey each day.

---

when i was in kindergarten i had a friend ben who i thought i would be friends with for life. i didn't know any better. in primary school and high school you have best friends, and in university you have project partners which is often the closest thing you have to a best friend.

a lot of modern human relations are built around some idealistic notion of forever. BFFs are forever. marriages are until death do us part.

but as i get older, relationships feel increasingly transient. one friend i lost because we decided we wanted to focus on our romantic relationships instead. another friend recently had a kid and he doesn't have time to hang out like we used to. other friends i simply grow apart from and it doesn't feel right to hang out anymore.

a lot of marriages are until divorce do us part.

my dad asked me, why do you value friendships so highly when in the end everyone ends up starting a family and you're not the priority anymore? it was a good question, and sometimes it does feel sad that all the friendships i have will inevitably fade away or otherwise end.

i asked my dad, is it truly the end of the friendship that justifies their value? i asked him, in this case, is it truly the destination that is to be valued, rather than the journey?

---

if daniel wasn't streaming starcraft every day, back in 2012, would i have ever picked up the game? definitely not. in one of my palantir onsite interviews matt kaspar told me that he saw "starcraft grandmaster" on my resume and he asked me what my starcraft strategy was. i said, idk, i just mass marine every game because it works consistently.

without the palantir internship, would my resume have passed the dropbox screening process? probably not. would i be living in america nowdays? unlikely, i'd probably be working for atlassian with everyone else in sydney.

not every impact is life-changing. nowadays i drive with one hand most of the time. it's because leo used to drive with one hand and i thought it looked cool.

sometimes it feels like the people in my life are bricks and i am the building.

it's kind of beautiful how you can interact with all these people - and without even knowing it - you're leaving bricks behind for them to build their own houses with. so many people, you'll leave marks on them which they'll perhaps forever keep with them.

when you meet someone for the first time, they're just a stranger. perhaps in ten minutes you'll have forgotten them already, or perhaps they'll be who you spend the next fifty years of your life with.

when i first met shannon, she was just an online profile on hinge. when i first met harry he was just hongkai's medical school friend.

once i tried explaining to daniel why meeting new people can be so exciting sometimes. i wonder if part of it is this kaleidoscope of infinite possibilities. each person is an adventure on their own and you have no idea where they will take you.

who are the people in your life, and where would you be without them?

---

in the book "lord sunday" by garth nix, the mariner says "all journeys come to an end". then he dies to unlock sunday's magic cage so that arthur can blow up the world and remake it from nothing.

sometimes the end of a journey means you die and there's nothing more. sometimes the end of a journey can become a brick in your house, an upgraded piece of equipment in your rpg, or a piece of shit in your garden ready to become manure.

maybe that's just human life, right? the knowledge that every journey comes to an end eventually is what makes every moment and every experience so very precious and magical.

---

what journeys are you on today, and where are they going to take you?

30%

http://icedtrees.blogspot.com/2015/11/retrospective.html

 another five years pass, and yet again i find myself transforming into someone i barely recognise.

i'm 25 now. given the average lifespan, i'm about 30% of the way through my life. pretty good progress, if you ask me.

 ---

 

"I suppose one thing I'm wondering is if my personality will improve at all over the next 5 years. What lessons will there to be learned?"

you've always been a problem-solver - a battering ram, if you like. you don't give up until you've figured out the right answer. it's worked for every video game you've ever played - sink enough time and energy into it, rinse and repeat, and you'll eventually find the right answer. it works for puzzles. it works for rubik's cubes. if you keep trying you'll eventually succeed.

you'll realise very quickly that you're in fact not invincible, and not every problem is something you can solve. you'll spend a lot of time stressing over how your relationship isn't perfect. you won't have the faintest idea how to deal with conflict - you'll try to suppress your needs to try to be perfect for someone else, and you'll be surprised when that goes to shit.

you'll learn there's no right answer this time. you can't just solve your relationship.

later you'll learn that you're simply not good at dealing with other people when they're mad at you. you're good at achieving things yourself, but not at supporting others. you need a lot of validation from others, your relationship is way too unstable to give you what you need, and as a result you're in no position to help others with their own problems.

 

 

you're accustomed to achievement, and you're surprised when you don't succeed at work. you're surprised when people don't have the same priorities as you. one guy's a first-time manager and doing his best but clearly isn't prepared for management. one guy just wants to play politics so he can get promoted into management. one guy clearly doesn't give a shit about work at all and mainly seems to prioritise going to burning man each year.

you're too idealistic. you want to work at a place where everyone just wants to make a good product together, where everyone's on the same team - and it's impossible at this size of company where a ton of people just care about themselves and their own careers. sometimes you think everyone trying to move into management is a scumbag.

you hate telling people what you need and want because you want people to like you. you put your head down and try to do good work for your team, which is great for the company i guess but not so good for you. you fail to get promoted from L2 to L3 and you're salty because you feel like you're somehow more important than the other people on your team. work is a people game moreso than a technical one, there isn't a clear goal or direction, and you have to figure out what winning means. of course you suck at it.

people aren't a problem you can just throw yourself at and expect to solve.

 

after your break-up, you'll extricate yourself from a relationship that consumed all your energy and time and you'll be forced back into society. there's a guy you cook with who will tell you that you should express your preferences more and that you should do boba for first dates so you can leave quickly if needed. he'll tell you that life isn't necessarily about achievements, it's about friends. he'll tell you your relationship was kinda fucked and that you're normal. makes you feel a lot better, doesn't it?

with his help you'll learn that you actually have a lot of control with your interactions with people. your friends aren't just good friends or bad friends - they're much more complex than that, and you can't just write people off because of one bad experience with them. slowly you'll figure out that trying to be as accommodating as possible to everyone is basically beating yourself up for no reason.

on the flip side, you'll realise that sometimes you have to write people off - some relationships with other people just aren't worth keeping around.

for a long time he will seem invincibly confident - like his whole life is under control and the right thing to do is always obvious. in time you'll realise he's a human too - a human with some really compelling ideas at the right time in your life.

you'll try to stop stressing over whether other people are having a good time or not, and you'll get 30% of the way there. but you've been watching people all your life desperate for validation, and you're not going to just quit that habit cold turkey.

 

going on dates with new people is fun at first, and it's exciting to meet new people. it's validating to know that some girls are interested in you, and each new match is a dopamine shot that it's easy to get addicted to. making deeper connections with essential strangers is hard, though, and really you have no clue what you're doing.

when on the verge of giving up on dating apps, you'll meet one last girl. on the first date she seems like a normal person. she can hold a conversation and she pays for drinks. not bad at all. she's genuinely interested in you, and unlike the other people you met online, she has none of the reserved caution of a stranger.

as you start to meet her friends, slowly she starts to shine. you can tell she really loves the people around her, and she makes them feel included and wanted. being around her makes you feel warm like the sun and people really like that. you worry a bit that she's putting other people's needs above her own.

every day, she sees you as someone more incredible than you would ever see yourself, and eventually you start to internalise some of that. eventually you start to feel like a whole person by yourself, not just half of a relationship.

 

 

you're naturally over-optimistic. you think you can do anything if you work hard enough at it, but the reality is that you don't have the motivation to put in the level of hard work every day. every time it's someone's birthday you come up with an extravagant idea that you don't have the abilities to follow through on. every competition you're aiming for the #1 spot you don't really deserve and you're never able to practice hard enough to justify your goals.

you come last in a lot of latte art competitions, you try making a juggling video but the advanced tricks are all too hard, and you try winning money playing online poker but the players are too good so you give up and settle for playing in vegas instead.

it's not so bad though - usually you get 30% of the way to your goal. maybe that's good enough?

you're always looking upwards, and i think that's a good thing. don't you dare look down

 

you'll start a corporate starcraft team. for several weeks, it will sink all your time and energy - you plan practice sessions for the team, you buy individual coaching, something you've never even considered. nowadays you throw yourself more intelligently into problems and try to think of things like how to run good team practice sessions. you even hired daniel to analyse your team's replays. thanks daniel. you don't tilt hard after games like you used to.

it'll probably be the last time you'll ever invest time into playing starcraft - games have always been about the people, and being able to feel validated, and i really think your fire died long ago when you finally hit grandmaster.

you'll let down your team once more. it's the final week and it's the tiebreaker match to decide who will make playoffs. you lose the critical ace match to the grandmaster player from the bloomberg team because you got supply blocked at 92/92, you thought you were playing on acid plant instead of blackpink, and you didn't listen to PiG when he told you that you have to push slower against zergs that cut drones on 50.

just like you lost that chess game in high school by rushing your move and playing Qc4+ up a knight for 2 pawns in a king's gambit because the other guy told you he was in a hurry to go - not realising black defends trivially with d4 and now you're just down 2 central pawns. just like you were 1 problem short in the icpc sub-regional to make world finals and you didn't realise it's sufficiently performant to simply brute-force all the 3-tuples of provided combinations.

your girlfriend tells you you're too hard on yourself, but you're not really listening because you're too busy remembering every failure and wondering what you could have done differently to win.

you always let your team down one step too short.

 

 

"Finally, reading your writing was inspiring, and makes me want to write more. I hope you do too! You've reminded me that writing can be a tool for connection, just as much as it can be for communication."

you'll meet someone who tells you that she dreams of writing after quitting her tech job. you remember that you used to write some shitty blog posts that were kind of fun to send to your friends. you scavenge some fragments of motivation together one more time and click "new post".

---

to my future self:

five years is a long time.

there's a reddit post i think back to every once in awhile. here it is. don't know if it's even a real story or not. the comments section is really incredible - it's full of people making the same mistake this guy did. i wonder what i will feel when i wake up to be 46 years old, whether i will regret like he did.

i'm scared to regret my life, and every once in awhile it drives me to get off my bed/phone and clean up my house for some artificial feeling of productivity.

as i grow older, the less invincible i feel. at some point five years ago, i thought i was perfect and i could take on anything. tell me, where did all the confidence go? how can i grow into someone i can be proud of in the end? are you proud of your last five years?

writing these posts gives me some small solace - five years is enough time to see that i'm making some non-trivial progress and convinces me that i'm going somewhere with my life. 

nowadays i'm becoming viscerally aware of my flaws - sometimes i feel merely a mindless slave under my emotions. i take my feelings out on other people, i can lose all my productive motivation in ten seconds, and i get unreasonably tilted when people disagree with me. that awareness tempers me and i slowly get better at dealing with my own feelings.

i feel like i was barely able to scrape together the motivation and energy to write this blog post - where are you gonna get your motivation and energy from? is there going to be a new post in 5 years, or is this post going to be the last of its kind, a mere remnant of the better times in your life?

honestly, just start writing and don't stop writing. pretend it's nanowrimo. doesn't matter how shitty your ideas are as long as you get them down somehow.

sometimes i feel like the infinite sky i once had is collapsing down into a claustrophobic ceiling. once upon a time, i had all the potential in the world, an endless array of possibilities. now i'm planning out what i should do with my life months, years down the line. there's a grey stone path in front of me and it's all i know how to follow. 

nowadays i feel much less of a raw bundle of passion and drive and more of a refined tool. i'm good at some things and bad at other things, and i'm starting to figure out what those things are.

at some point in my life i dreamed of becoming a teacher. the best teacher in the world, i thought. "if i just throw myself into improving at teaching, i can out-teach anyone else!" i thought, arrogantly. "look how poorly these ideas are being taught!". i've lost a lot of that arrogance because it's kinda shitty to be so condescending. i think a lot of it came from a place of wanting to prove myself to other people.

once i sent this lecturer a manifesto about how he could improve his lectures (it's in a draft post "lecture discussion 2" on that blog). He had this to say:

"Thanks for all the detailed feedback. I actually attempt everything you suggest, but as you see, it's not easy to keep it together, old habits die hard as they say."

what an incredible humble person. i dunno if i could ever take feedback so well.

i started a teaching blog a long time ago - do you remember it? i'm rereading it now and i think it's written in kind of a stupid self-centered way. back then i had so many ideas and so many dreams. i wanted to read academic papers in my spare time, can you believe that? i hope this is a dream you won't forget about. even if you haven't written a single post in that blog, i want you to at least remember this part of yourself. go start that tutoring company! fuck money. go live a colourful life, one where you can step outside and love the feeling of being in the world.

you promised yourself you would take on some barista shifts at a coffee shop once you get your green card. you'd better keep to that promise.

go buy your parents that first class flight and hotel.

finally, you'd better be at least diamond in league of legends. i'm gold 4 atm and it sucks being bad. play some warwick for me, for the good old times.

wishing you all the best,

@icedtrees

on people

Daniel asked me recently, "why do you like people?"

At the time I was busy (with work, probably), and told him I would get back to him later. It's a complex question that's formed a big part of my life, and I wasn't sure I would be able to get a coherent answer down in the moment.

I thought about it that day, on the train ride home. And the next day, and the one after that. I asked some friends, "why do you like people?" I thought about it some more in the shower. Talked to some more people, thought some more.

Daniel, this post is for you.

---

1. to "like" something?

When I say that I "like" X, or that I "want" X, generally it's one of two very separate and very distinct reactions - the rational and the emotional. The emotional reaction is always the one that's very visceral, very close to X. For example, when see that my room is untidy, I immediately feel more stressed. I emotionally associate untidy environments with a lack of free time, deadlines, disorganization in my life, disrespect for possessions.

The rational reaction is always the slower one to catch up - it's the one where you get time to think about what's going on. It says, "hey, you're going to move out of your room in a week. It doesn't matter that it's untidy. chill out". It's the reaction that's usually right, even if you can't convince your feelings to catch up to it.

It's easy to talk about the benefits of people in an abstract, rational sense. People make you less lonely and can be fun to spend time with. People offer you unique and diverse perspectives, that enrich your life. People introduce you to new activities, hobbies, and opportunities.

Honestly, it's pretty hard to make an argument for being a hermit. I would posit that on a rational level, everyone benefits from more human interaction.

I think it's the emotional reaction that's much more complex. Interacting with other people is a non-trivial problem and it comes with a lot of attached feelings - fear of judgement, desire to be approved of, feelings of exclusion. Over time, an individual will accumulate more and more of these feelings and associate them with spending time with people.

If I were to ask you "want to hang out with a bunch of people?", what is your visceral reaction?

Personally, I feel pretty excited. Meeting new people has always been fun, and super interesting. I also feel anxious - worried that I won't be able to connect with anyone and going will have been a waste of time.



2. validation

I've always relied heavily on external validation for my sense of self-worth. I'm sure there are lots of psychological reasons for this that I could spend a few years working through with a therapist if I so desired.

I think this manifested itself in a variety of ways throughout my life. In primary school, I would sometimes be a dick to other people in order to get their attention, and I would always be the first to answer the teacher's questions. I memorised digits of pi so I could show off in class. I found my first small group of genuine friends, and that made me happier than anything else.

In my first high school, I became infatuated with girls hoping they would be attracted to me, desperately wanting someone to approve the person I was. I felt hopeless and alone. In my second high school, I changed schools and finally found a community I felt like I belonged to. I felt liked and welcomed instead of excluded and lonely. I wrote letters and baked cakes for people, hooked on the feeling that I was making someone else's day better. I woke up excited to go to school to every day. I became infatuated with different girls.

In university, I started practising starcraft. I'd watched Daniel play for months, and I wanted to become better - really, it was just so I could tell other people my rank so they would be impressed. I eventually got to grandmaster after a lot of hours and suffering, and quit the game because there was no more value in continuing to play. I didn't have a community, I didn't have practise partners, and I'd gotten enough likes on my Facebook post.

Around the same time, I picked up teaching and loved being able to directly help students and feel their gratitude in person. I spent hours and hours reflecting on my teaching methods and how I could be the best. My communication skills skyrocketed and I spent countless extra hours making content for my students and staying late to help them finish assignments. They could tell I cared and wrote me a thank you card at the end of the semester. I scored some good job offers - even the employers approved of me! I was living the dream.

In my first job, I overworked myself, wanting to prove myself, show that I was useful and good for something. I developed a repetitive strain injury and became pretty good at writing code. I met some people who were really good at a variety of things, and thought they were beautiful for the fact that they passionately cared about something so much to become so good at it.

After my first relationship ended (in no small part because of this need for validation), I started compulsively using dating apps and going on a lot of first dates that didn't really go anywhere. I went to some music events and liked the feeling of being able to connect with random strangers, as well as bond with your friends. Conversely, I didn't like the fact that people were just there to passively enjoy the music in a group and didn't care about connecting with other people.

I think a lot of therapists might tell me that my dependence on external validation is unhealthy - ideally I should draw my self-worth from something more internal so that I don't have to feel bad. I don't disagree, but I would also say that my need for external validation is something that adds colour to my life.

If you could do away with hunger entirely, would you do so, or continue to experience the upswings and downswings of satisfying a need that you could remove?

I'd still choose to be right here, savoring every moment of hunger and every meal. To continue the analogy, I would say that my hunger hasn't really changed over the years but I do have a lot more food, which is nice.



3. risk tolerance

People often talk about themselves as being 'risk-tolerant' or 'risk-averse'. I think this applies especially to spending time with other people - it comes with a set of risks and benefits you will consider.

This ties in with optimism and pessimism pretty strongly - if you are overly optimistic, it's easy to over-sell benefits to yourself and under-sell the risks, and vice-versa for pessimism.

I think it also ties in very heavily with the type of risk involved. For example, some people are more risk-averse when it comes to personal safety, or safety of their friends. Other people might compulsively avoid failure, or being negatively judged/evaluated by other people.

I would consider myself very risk-tolerant and overly optimistic in many regards. Take me to a casino, and I'll willingly play every game in the building because winning is so good and losing doesn't really feel bad at all. Ask me to join a dance group for an office talent show, and I'll yolo in despite having never danced in my life. Go to a 3-day music festival? Join a volleyball team? no problem. What's the worst that could happen?

On the risk side, I'm mostly weighing personal safety and whether I'm spending my time usefully (because there's a lot of other stuff I could be doing). I'm not really scared of failing or being judged.

And on the benefits side, if there's a good chance I'll be able to connect with people, or feel validated, there's a pretty decent chance I'm going to join in heedless of any minor risk of failure or embarrassment.

I think risk-tolerance and optimism is pretty critical in your decision-making process. If you don't feel social risk heavily, and feel excited about spending time with interesting people, it's more or less trivial to like people. Bonus points if you're tolerant of trying different activities.

On the flip side, if you are spending time with people you don't like as much, if you're socially anxious when meeting new people, if you're averse to trying different or new activities, it's inevitable that you won't feel like you "like" people. Even more so if you don't feel super excited about spending time with them.

I think this risk evaluation is where social drugs like alcohol come in super useful. For example, I don't think that alcohol changes anything fundamental about your emotional reactions to people - if you dislike people on a visceral level, there's nothing alcohol does to change that. However, it does reduce your ability to evaluate risks, including social risks like fear of rejection or judgement. Alcohol won't make you love people, but it may help you love people if you already do.

---

> "why do you like people?"

tbh, i don't really have a good answer.

why don't you like people?

basic bitch

i think i used to write for myself. if you go back far enough you can find a lot of shit that i'm not particularly proud of. i wrote nonsense to fill word counts, i dumped thoughts to give myself a mild sense of catharsis, and i wrote for attention. look at me, i can write blog posts! look at my great typing test scores! i'm so cool! i was such a basic bitch lmao

the years have changed me.

nowadays i write with others in mind. how will others perceive me? how will they feel when they look at my words? will they get any value from my reading? do i still write in an overly dramatic tone? is that just my blogging style? are my posts concise enough that people stay engaged and don't skim over everything?

nowadays i write under more constraints. how can i find enough space and time in my life to reflect on myself? how is writing this going to benefit other parts of my life? what state of mind is optimal to write in, and how should i achieve that state of mind?

nowadays i write for myself. as always, i guess. blogging is such a selfish venture when you don't have an audience.

i'm still a basic bitch.

minimalist

less is more? the less the better.

if u have less content, u can choose the higher quality content. sometimes better present 1 good picture than 10 mediocre ones. sometimes better 10 mediocre ones. easier to focus on 1, i guess

i feel like i have a limited amount of keystrokes nowadays. a limited number of taps with which to impact the world around me. combination of trying to do too much work in too little time, and a history of repetitive strain injury. i'd better make great use of those keystrokes.

today i read a private blog post i made in 2014. you guys will never see it. i was an unrefined version of myself. i had the fire, the drive, but not the prioritisation. not the impact i wanted. i was too self-centred. you'll never hit your goals in the right way if you care too much about what other people think of you.

i've learned.

i don't write blog posts by dumping shit on the page anymore. that doesnt make anyone happy.

the fire of motivation comes and goes. it's a fire, of course it does. i had a few bad months where i didn't do shit and played hearthstone all day. anyway it's finally back and i won't let it go so easily this time.

i used to write all this shit that didn't matter that much. i wanted to keep every thought i had. i wanted to execute perfectly. if i lose thoughts they might never come back right?

i used to put off things bc i wanted to do them perfectly. i wrote long blog posts reflecting things i learned because that made me feel like i was making progress. 90% of the stuff i wrote maybe even 99% didnt make a difference. my first job was a brutal lesson that you spend a little too long on something and you're fucked.

i used to have people motivation. i used to be more excited about doing things for other people. where's that gone now? it's back, temporarily. maybe the best of me comes out when i have reasons to do things

i'm not gone yet, guys. the old davy is lurking somewhere behind a fog of shitty adulthood. wisodm teeth removal, 3 dentists and 5 fillings, 401k, rent, paid vacation, vaccinations, power bills, balancing social life with the unending tide of work the works. i'm not gone yet guys

on the topic of people motivation, shout out to my sick girlfriend emma who has better people motivation than me and everyone else and outperforms my gifts every time. gotta step up my game man. once emma told me to say no to people and stop worrying what they think of you. once she made me brownies while i was halfway across the world. what a life, man

i think im truly happy. man it's been awhile since i could say that

one last shout out to eunice, who is fighting for her life while i go around enjoying my days like my friend's not having her spirit crushed

after months of messing around, i feel like the best of davy is back for real. i know the feeling doesn't stay for long, so let's make use of it while we can.

watch me, guys. i'm gonna take on the world again, and this time i don't even have 1 minute to lose.

fucking davy stop losing minutes

asdf

yo, it's been awhile.

what year is it again? 2016? 2017? oh yeah, new year's. i guess it's 2017.

haven't blogged for forever. work is fucking busy and there's barely a chance to breathe in between submitting code at 4am and attending 10am meetings. sometimes it feels like a constant fight to stop myself from getting dragged down by my responsibilities.

but humans, as always, are amazingly adaptable, and learn to deal with whatever adversity life throws at them. not all that surprising, right? if you do something a thousand times, you're going to be fucking good at it by the thousandth time.

sometimes work stresses me out. i asked my manager, how do you deal with it, you probably have 1000x the stress that i do. my manager said, your ability to deal with stress increases over time. makes sense, right? you'd better hope your ability to deal with stress is increasing faster than the rate you're being promoted.

sometimes it's valuable to look back and have a good picture of what you did. so here's my extremely compact picture of what i did.

notable events, 2016:
- moved to san francisco
- started working
- paid rent
- got approved for 2 credit cards
- got denied for a lot of credit cards
- opened yet another bank account
- made 5 paypal accounts while attempting to pay rent
- started playing ddr
- got unlimited dropbox free space (anyone want free space?)
- made macarons, in various forms
- started taking selfies
- more consistent latte art (maybe 60% success rate now?) also other kinds of latte art
- made meat pies
- went university recruiting in pennsylvania
- lost a bet, had to pay for an $80 meal
- won a bet, got free carton of milk
- declined some 10am meetings because they were too early for me, sorry coworkers
- skipped some 12pm meetings because i cbb
- lowered my quality standards so i could get more work done
- woke up 5 minutes before i had to interview someone
- woke up 5 minutes after i was meant to interview someone
- realised i am fucking lucky
- met a lot of interns
- mentored a bunch of people
- got mentored by a bunch of people
- started getting spammed by linkedin recruiters
- bought about $3000 of stuff on amazon
- wrecked myself for my job
- made the best birthday gift of my life
- learned to drink hipster coffee
- increased the size of my "free time todo list" by 10x
- consumed unearthly amounts of mango green tea
- consumed unearthly amounts of japanese curry
- waited 1.5 hours in line to eat ramen, many times
- loved my job, and my company
- started swearing a lot more
- carried a person, literally
- joined a church and developed my faith
- did work for my job at 4am with other people
- was late for my meeting with my manager; many times
- did many escape the room's and failed them all
- told people not to schedule me morning meetings so i could sleep
- made gifts for interns
- separated 3 eggs, many times
- gave people interview practice
- watched someone roll sausages at 3am
- became an official CMU alumni
- turned my apartment into a cafe
- pretended to be a shark and did shark dances
- made an edible wine glass and filled it with wine
- flipped an omelette
- screwed up countless meals
- screwed up countless desserts
- watched people relay a 1 hour long ddr song
- gave gifts i was really proud of
- revisited a lot of people from the past
- held my colour
- went to a wedding
- called my parents every week
- called my australian friends occasionally
- met the most fucking amazing people in the world
- had the happiest days of my life

useful learnings:
- there is nothing more important than communication
- fearlessly and aggressively pursue people in order to build friendships
- selfishly value every single minute of your time
- don't take out your feelings on other people
- some people's time is worth more than others'
- express your preferences and stop being a doormat, occasionally
- stop trying to do everything, 'cause you can't. let other people help
- intentionally fail some things so you have time to succeed in other things
- some people are a sub-optimal use of your time and that's ok
- don't do stupid things when you're not in a good mental state

hope you guys are doing alright. i think going to different places and becoming close to different people is one of the coolest parts of being alive.


what

a

time

to

be

alive

retrospective

I wrote a letter to myself ... four years ago, I think it was. I think I remember how I felt when I read it, but I didn't remember exactly what I wrote.

I made a Facebook event to remind myself to read the letter.

http://icedtrees.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/dear-me.html

----

Hey there! Good to hear from you. I've been expecting this letter for awhile - Facebook keeps reminding me in the sidebar of my news feed.


I listened to behind these hazel eyes like two days ago or something. I was driving on the way back from eunice's house and I decided to try out the new bluetooth music player. We got a new car, you know that? I even paid a quarter for it, so it's technically my car. Did you expect that you'd own a quarter of a car in five years?

I don't think you would have been able to do what I did, not nearly as confidently. You were always scared of people, scared of consequences, afraid of how they would think of you.

Wikipedia:

Social anxiety is a specific form of anxiety. It is an emotion characterized by a discomfort or a fear when a person is in a social interaction that involves a concern of being judged or evaluated by others. It is typically characterised by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment or humiliation, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure and not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them.

Does that sound familiar to you? A lot of people I know fit the above description, too.

But you will change. Of course you will change - there are goals to be achieved, and you will not let anything stand in your way. The people around you will start to lose their presence - they will start to become distant. Disconnected. Memories of a better time.

It sounds depressing, doesn't it? It sounds lonely.

I'm sure it sounds lonely to you, you who are so afraid of the people around you. So afraid of the people who make you happier than you've ever been.

You wouldn't understand. Even understanding you requires great effort, great energy. Bringing up memories from long ago, and reliving them. Epping bus stop. Catching the bus in the afternoon. Buses, buses, buses, every day, again and again. Memorising bus numbers. 778, 230-fricking-6. Looking for - looking for what? Looking for someone you believed would complete you.

My older self is damn obnoxious, you'd think to yourself, as you write another entry into your silver-backed diary. As you furiously lose chess game after chess game, unable to rationalise your own ineptitude. As you grow into someone you want to be, wondering why you aren't naturally the person you want to be.

Maybe you now think that that time you spent was time wasted. And perhaps it is. But you must make peace with that fact, make peace with the idea of wasting time.

Because you'll remember it all. You'll remember every single mistake you made, you'll remember playing Qc4+, pressured like a retard by your opponent's empty words, you'll remember being too scared to talk to new people without a reason, and you'll remember letting down your team, again and again. You'll remember being insufficient, inadequate, imperfect. You'll remember being too scared to take risks.

Not good enough.

(Fucking blue mountains school that I don't remember the name of. I hope you failed your crappy drama thing).

"yes. i guarantee you will think that past you was retarded."

"but so what? that's okay"

- Daniel, a long time ago


But that's over now, at least for me. The other day I went to this church and they tried to convert me to scientology. They analysed my personality and tried to tell me how to become happier.

They couldn't touch me. I'm too arrogant, too confident in myself. I can achieve anything I apply myself to. I can learn from my mistakes. I'm invincible!

Nowadays, I'm far too scared. Far too alone.

It doesn't make sense.


There will be things you're proud of. Things you will carry with you. Those cupcakes you'll make in a few weeks' time? Those tasted pretty good, and you'll keep making cakes all the way through year 12. You decorated a cake for the first time in February and I've never forgotten the sense of pride. You started a computing club which only a few people joined, but you spent hours and hours writing a 60-page programming manual and competition guide for your students, because you cared so much about other people. Because you cared too much about other people.

That care that you have will eventually fade away. Eventually you'll grow to care an average amount about other people, and your overwhelming, amazing ability to care about other people will melt into the aether, replaced by an overwhelming sense of neutrality.

I respect you a lot for how much you cared. As I am now, I'm not sure whether I could start a programming club, or design a mix cd, or spend hours and hours decorating a cake. You will do more than I could ever bring myself to, and that's deserving of respect.

You found a job with an altruistic company. "We're changing the world!", they told you. They aided police forces around the world, analysing data, identifying criminals, analysing trends in medicine, helping governments around the world maintain order and prevent crime.

Great, you thought. I can make impact on other people with my work! I can help people and write programs at the same time.

But your heart really isn't into it, and you're kind of lost in a world of coworkers and complex software infrastructure. You don't want to write some crappy software to analyse telephone call patterns. You're catching drug dealers, you're improving people's lives, you're stopping robbery and violent crimes. But it doesn't matter.

You want someone to fight for, someone who will inspire you to become the best in the world. You want people in front of you, people you can watch, people who will watch you, people you can believe in.

You decide that you want to teach.

Eventually you would lose your drive, lose your care for the people around you. Two or three years later, you would do it all over again. This time it isn't just one person you have to care about, it's forty people. Week after week, you stay with your students until midnight at uni helping them to complete their assignments and homework. Hours past the time you were scheduled to leave. After the long trip home, at 2am, you'd fall asleep, and come back the next week and repeat.

What a respectable person.

I wonder if you would hate me, hate the person that you would become. Emotionless, expressionless, without drive - that's the kind of person that you never wanted to be. You made mistakes, but you had drive. You had faith in everyone around you. You would look at this lonely mountain climber that I've become, and you would think, what the hell? This guy has nothing. He's just stagnating halfway up a mountain.

I suppose, in a sense, I do have nothing. The power to enact change comes with a price, namely at the cost of your motivation to enact change. What do you fight for when you can fight for anything you want? When you don't care like you used to?

Would you rather be confident or motivated? Because I chose confidence, I would choose confidence again if it came to it, and this is the kind of person I've become.

Going to eunice's house again was kind of a throwback to the old days. The old days where I was excited and I cared a lot. It was a good trip for me.

"The saddest people achieve the greatest things" - when did I write that? Many years ago, I'm sure. And for me it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mired in my own satisfaction, I am no longer driven - no longer jumping 100% on board with every idea that I have. No longer bristling at the world, trying to hide the worst parts of myself.

"You know that excited feeling, that spark when you look forwards to doing something? I feel like I've lost that feeling." - JM, a long time ago

My writing style hasn't changed much since I was you. Not surprising, as I haven't done much writing since.

Yeah, I'm 20 now. Feels strange, right? Entering the twenties, it's like I'm an adult or something. Why is it important that I read this when I'm 20? I've forgotten - I guess you didn't think it important enough to remember.

Sorry you can't read this letter. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm glad you can't read this letter. Because some things are just better off learned by experience, rather than dictated. Reading this letter wouldn't make you happy - it would make you sad.

I don't think you're a retard. What a surprise. You're someone I fully understand, someone who can finally understand me a bit. Maybe I haven't changed all that much in these last 4 years.

I know why you're writing, and I know why you need to feel better. I'm stopped writing, you know that? I'm stopped writing about myself completely. It was a great coping strategy while it lasted, but now it's over. Maybe that's a good sign - I feel pretty good about myself.

I just read the next paragraph, and it stopped me in my tracks. An echo of the old pain through my heart. Merely a shadow of what you felt, every day, lying in bed, wishing yourself to sleep. But a significant echo nonetheless, and I felt like falling to the earth in despair. Did I really go through that? How strong you are to deal with that every day.

Heartache hurts so much, and I've never forgotten. Other people will read your words, and they will make no sense. There are no pictures to go with the sentences, and the words are empty. empty words with no meaning. But for me, each sentence is filled with one of my emotions, and I've never forgotten.

Maybe that's why you cared so much about other people. Because you didn't want them to feel the same lonely ache every day. Because you didn't want them to become like you.

I'm better now, as Eragon says to Arya in Christopher Paolini's Eldest. An impressive half-truth, Eragon. Am I better now, too? Maybe I'm worse. Maybe I'm half-better, like Eragon.

What do I see in people nowadays? I see flaws and inadequacies, much like my own. I've been introspecting for a few days now while writing this letter.

Who am I?

I thought about it for those few days, and still I have no answer.

For I am my emotions, my desires, my beliefs, and my logic. I've got a fair few goals that I want to keep working on when I get some time. When I get some motivation.

"I've got a list of things I want to do. I think I'm at another tipping point where change is about to occur. It's going to be gooooood." - JM, a long time ago

---

Today I procrastinated for many hours. Didn't accomplish anything. Watched some videos. Another throwback to the old days, where I procrastinated and didn't accomplish anything. I felt kind of crappy when I did that. It was as if I was wasting time. As if time were something limited that I had to spend in the best possible way. I still get that feeling nowadays, sometimes. But I try not to feel that way, too much.

It's 1am now, you know? I'm feeling a bit pressured because I need to sleep soon. You would never have felt this way - you would have yolo'd all the way. But me, I'm getting enough sleep, and it's alright.

You're free of responsibilities. Me, I've tried to live like you for a day and it's already too late. There's so many things I should have done, so many things I've failed by taking a day off to do nothing. So many things I've promised other people that I'd do. I haven't done any of them - I've been doing nothing.

I wonder when I chose to start living this way. When I started being able to deal with this volume of work and responsibility. Maybe that was the day that I lost my spirit.

Fuck I can't even write this blog post properly because of the wrist pain.

I'd like to take pity on myself and make the excuse that I've been working too hard, but really, I haven't been working hard at all. I've been pretty much relaxing for the past year.

All these responsibilities I must fulfil - they're all for other people. I need to make sure my team is on track for my group project. As treasurer of my society, I need to compile the balance and ledger for next year, and handover the bank account. And I have to do it really damn fast. I need to make blog entries for my subject, lest I fail on the basis of not making sufficient blog posts. I need to transfer my goddamn superannuation before I leave the country.

Am I 'burnt out'? Not in the slightest. I almost just tried to coordinate my group project just by force of habit. Habitual responsibility.

Played some chess games and lost some chess games. I've become a lot better at losing. A lot better at being imperfect. At accepting my own flaws. I have pride as a player now. I don't hate my opponents anymore, and I earned my way to a 1650 rating with honour and good manners. Must have been all those Starcraft games that I lost.

Played some Starcraft games and won them all. Drop units into enemy base, win game. Seems like nothing has changed.

Both my wrists are screwed up. Time to sleep at freaking 1:30am because I'm a responsible adult. I told my friend that I need to rest, and he was ok with that. I'll feel better tomorrow.


Played multitask 2 again, and scored 138 or something. Then I gave up and played some other crappy flash game.

You wouldn't have given up like I did. You would have played the game again and again until you beat it. You never gave up when it came to a challenge. You would have asked for rematches over and over until you had won. That's how you got 150 wpm, by saying fuck you and believing you could always go one step further.

I'm getting a bit better at everything. On the path to improvement. I think I'm alright with not having a motivating purpose/feeling now. I was talking to alex and he was like, what's your dream, and I said, don't have one, where do you go to find a dream? and he said, oh, it comes to you as you go along life. So I shall just have faith in myself, or something. Here I come, future dream.

- Myself, a long time ago

I think I have a dream now, and it's pretty crappy. But it feels like it's truly my own.

"Is the HSC far behind you now?"
lol

"Maybe you got a scholarship to university. Probably not."
actually did. some token unsw progcomp scholarship. get rekt

"If you failed the HSC I hope the terrible ATAR you inevitably got doesn't linger in your mind too much. Don't regret the past too much. But I suppose I'm in no place to be giving advice to myself."
fucking wise words

"I'll throw in a bit about you, and then I'll finish this post because I need to do a lot of maths."
i bet you never did the maths. lazy bastard

I half-believe identity transcends appearance and personality, I guess. Man, you used to think about that a lot. Train rides would be completely filled with thoughts like "What makes up a person?" and "What is identity?" and "Do I exist?". I don't know, man. I don't think about these things anymore. I'm not you.

Yeah, you're a lot more idealistic than I am. You believed - you believed in things. You believed that all people were good (some people are crap. nothing you can do about that), you believed that you could become a grandmaster at chess (you don't have the motivation sorry), and you believed you could prove the world wrong (I still believe that. Come at me world)

25-year-old will come back to comment on this later. I think far-fetched dreams of youth are mostly destined to fail but some end up working. People give up on their dreams or change them, as they age, because they become better acquainted with reality. It takes time and effort to become a grandmaster, or to found your own country, or to cure cancer, or to eliminate homelessness. The thought of throwing your life into something for a decade...

... of waking up, 45 years old, having achieved nothing that you set out to do three decades ago...

... the thought of that would deter anyone.

I'm not giving up, though. I'm you. You never gave up when it mattered, and I owe it to you to at least have a go until the end.

I remember your notebook, I haven't touched it in years (half-better?), and I'll never forget you.

I remember the light that you saw in those around you, and how happy it made you to be alive. That's gone now. I'm a lot more friendly of a person now, a lot less reserved, a lot less displaced. Why do I feel as if I have nothing?

Thanks for the letter, though. It was a great read, and a great reflection on who I was, and where I came from. Sorry you'll never get your answers.

I'm an adult now, so I have less time. The next time I write, I'll have even less time than before. Hey there, 25-year-old self.

---

To the future version of me, I have nothing to say. I hope you're doing alright, though. Life probably gets harder as you get older, and I've got a million challenges ahead of me right now.

5 years ago, I wrote questions to myself. Questions I wanted to know the answers to. They certainly made the letter a lot more interesting to read. But now I have no questions left. I know where I'm going now, and I know what I can do. The future is my own, instead of in the hands of the world. Does that make sense?

I suppose one thing I'm wondering is if my personality will improve at all over the next 5 years. What lessons will there to be learned?

always

 blog survey, always

Question 1: If you were a cereal, what cereal would you be?

rice bubbles. plain, crunchy, and spontaneous.

Question 2: How many tabs or windows do you normally have open?

5-10 tabs, one window. I try to organise my tabs so that the most persistent ones (such as todo list or music) are on the left and the most transient ones (research, procrastination) are on the right. If I organise my tabs by persistency, then I can optimise my focus to the tabs on the right and largely ignore the tabs on the left. Never more than one window.

Question 3: Which personality type are you? (Sorry, I know it takes a while to do the test so don't worry about it if you're busy, just describe instead your personality from your perspective :D)

ENFP. I used to be an INFP. I think my identifying trait is my P - I've always hated rules and schedules.

I refuse to be chained by your damned rules. I'll make my own cages, thank you very much.

Question 4: What happened the last time you had to use a bandaid? If you don’t remember, answer with something that would potentially cause you to use one.

When I was in Canberra my roommate was teaching me to play guitar. All the strings were metal and the thin ones were really sharp. I drank a cup of bailey's then tried too hard and injured my finger and couldn't use it for a few days, and put a massive finger-cast over it to immobilise it in the meantime. My roommate thought it was really funny. Luckily it was the Christmas break. Working as a software developer with one hand is an interesting challenge, but it's not particularly pleasant or productive.

Question 5: What is something you have been putting off?

My tutoring blog posts. I have a queue of five in my to-do list, which is getting pretty ridiculous. Also my job applications. Last year I failed so many job interviews, but this year I'm back and applying for more jobs than ever. Job application upon job application upon job application.

Question 6: What would you would have drawn when you were thirteen? Is it the same kind of thing you would draw now?

Diagrams from my maths textbook. Couldn't even draw them well. no regrets

Question 7: What is something that surprised you the first time, but doesn't surprise you anymore?

This is a difficult question. It's difficult to think of things you are now accustomed to, because you're accustomed to them and don't really notice them anymore.

I suppose I used to be surprised by how good people can be at what they do. Now, having gone through countless hours of practice myself, I'm not as surprised anymore. This is just how people do things. They practice, they improve, and they transcend into a refinement of skill that unpracticed people have difficulty comprehending.

Question 8: What is something you have done this year that has surprised you?

This year I signed myself up to teach a 9am tute, and I haven't slept in for it yet. I am pleasantly surprised.

Question 9: Describe your use of pillows.

I put my head on them and go to sleep. In Canberra it was pretty hot and I used my blanket as my pillow and it was nice. Well-elevated pillows are nice.

Question 10: What is your preferred method of parking?

This is an unrelated note, but what's the deal with calling it "parallel parking"? It looks to me like the cars are always parallel regardless of parking style. When people say "parallel parking" I have no idea what they are talking about.

I prefer reverse side-to-kerb parking. It's usually a really tight space, which means it's more exciting and satisfying if you get it right.

Question 11: The first band or artist you ever got into?

jpop with Mami Kawada.

Question 12: Name your favourite and least favourite ice cream flavours.

My ice-cream preferences are similar to the rest of my preferences, unsurprisingly. I like coffee-flavoured ice cream and don't like banana-flavoured ice cream.

Question 13: What was the best discovery you made this year?

The discovery of my new programming competitions team. #LDDpride

Question 14: Name something you don’t want to regret when you’re older.

If you haven't read this: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2livoo/tifu_my_whole_life_my_regrets_as_a_46_year_old/ , then I think it's worth reading.

I don't want to regret becoming this person, and I think perhaps I am becoming this person. Lately I've been exceedingly focused on my work, simply because I have so much of it. My responsibilities are heavy. Or maybe I make them heavy for myself, because otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

To make time for leisure projects, I have to do even more work. How unfortunate.

Question 15: What is your favourite bird?

Rainbow lorikeet. They come to the front door and I feed them bread. Then they hear some bird sound in the distance and fly away.

Question 16: Rate rockmelon out of 10.

2.5/10 barely edible. Never have I ever liked rockmelon.

Question 17: What is a question people ask about/comment on people make about your name when you introduce yourself?

"What did you say?" - every time
Nowadays I introduce myself as David and have 0 problems.

Question 18: Describe your driving in three words.

omg red light

Question 19: What is your number 1 pet peeve?

People who don't have empathy for their students.

Question 20: The grammatical mistake which makes you cringe the most?

On the topic of personality types, "extraverted". I don't know why I particularly dislike it.