retrospective

I wrote a letter to myself ... four years ago, I think it was. I think I remember how I felt when I read it, but I didn't remember exactly what I wrote.

I made a Facebook event to remind myself to read the letter.

http://icedtrees.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/dear-me.html

----

Hey there! Good to hear from you. I've been expecting this letter for awhile - Facebook keeps reminding me in the sidebar of my news feed.


I listened to behind these hazel eyes like two days ago or something. I was driving on the way back from eunice's house and I decided to try out the new bluetooth music player. We got a new car, you know that? I even paid a quarter for it, so it's technically my car. Did you expect that you'd own a quarter of a car in five years?

I don't think you would have been able to do what I did, not nearly as confidently. You were always scared of people, scared of consequences, afraid of how they would think of you.

Wikipedia:

Social anxiety is a specific form of anxiety. It is an emotion characterized by a discomfort or a fear when a person is in a social interaction that involves a concern of being judged or evaluated by others. It is typically characterised by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment or humiliation, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure and not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them.

Does that sound familiar to you? A lot of people I know fit the above description, too.

But you will change. Of course you will change - there are goals to be achieved, and you will not let anything stand in your way. The people around you will start to lose their presence - they will start to become distant. Disconnected. Memories of a better time.

It sounds depressing, doesn't it? It sounds lonely.

I'm sure it sounds lonely to you, you who are so afraid of the people around you. So afraid of the people who make you happier than you've ever been.

You wouldn't understand. Even understanding you requires great effort, great energy. Bringing up memories from long ago, and reliving them. Epping bus stop. Catching the bus in the afternoon. Buses, buses, buses, every day, again and again. Memorising bus numbers. 778, 230-fricking-6. Looking for - looking for what? Looking for someone you believed would complete you.

My older self is damn obnoxious, you'd think to yourself, as you write another entry into your silver-backed diary. As you furiously lose chess game after chess game, unable to rationalise your own ineptitude. As you grow into someone you want to be, wondering why you aren't naturally the person you want to be.

Maybe you now think that that time you spent was time wasted. And perhaps it is. But you must make peace with that fact, make peace with the idea of wasting time.

Because you'll remember it all. You'll remember every single mistake you made, you'll remember playing Qc4+, pressured like a retard by your opponent's empty words, you'll remember being too scared to talk to new people without a reason, and you'll remember letting down your team, again and again. You'll remember being insufficient, inadequate, imperfect. You'll remember being too scared to take risks.

Not good enough.

(Fucking blue mountains school that I don't remember the name of. I hope you failed your crappy drama thing).

"yes. i guarantee you will think that past you was retarded."

"but so what? that's okay"

- Daniel, a long time ago


But that's over now, at least for me. The other day I went to this church and they tried to convert me to scientology. They analysed my personality and tried to tell me how to become happier.

They couldn't touch me. I'm too arrogant, too confident in myself. I can achieve anything I apply myself to. I can learn from my mistakes. I'm invincible!

Nowadays, I'm far too scared. Far too alone.

It doesn't make sense.


There will be things you're proud of. Things you will carry with you. Those cupcakes you'll make in a few weeks' time? Those tasted pretty good, and you'll keep making cakes all the way through year 12. You decorated a cake for the first time in February and I've never forgotten the sense of pride. You started a computing club which only a few people joined, but you spent hours and hours writing a 60-page programming manual and competition guide for your students, because you cared so much about other people. Because you cared too much about other people.

That care that you have will eventually fade away. Eventually you'll grow to care an average amount about other people, and your overwhelming, amazing ability to care about other people will melt into the aether, replaced by an overwhelming sense of neutrality.

I respect you a lot for how much you cared. As I am now, I'm not sure whether I could start a programming club, or design a mix cd, or spend hours and hours decorating a cake. You will do more than I could ever bring myself to, and that's deserving of respect.

You found a job with an altruistic company. "We're changing the world!", they told you. They aided police forces around the world, analysing data, identifying criminals, analysing trends in medicine, helping governments around the world maintain order and prevent crime.

Great, you thought. I can make impact on other people with my work! I can help people and write programs at the same time.

But your heart really isn't into it, and you're kind of lost in a world of coworkers and complex software infrastructure. You don't want to write some crappy software to analyse telephone call patterns. You're catching drug dealers, you're improving people's lives, you're stopping robbery and violent crimes. But it doesn't matter.

You want someone to fight for, someone who will inspire you to become the best in the world. You want people in front of you, people you can watch, people who will watch you, people you can believe in.

You decide that you want to teach.

Eventually you would lose your drive, lose your care for the people around you. Two or three years later, you would do it all over again. This time it isn't just one person you have to care about, it's forty people. Week after week, you stay with your students until midnight at uni helping them to complete their assignments and homework. Hours past the time you were scheduled to leave. After the long trip home, at 2am, you'd fall asleep, and come back the next week and repeat.

What a respectable person.

I wonder if you would hate me, hate the person that you would become. Emotionless, expressionless, without drive - that's the kind of person that you never wanted to be. You made mistakes, but you had drive. You had faith in everyone around you. You would look at this lonely mountain climber that I've become, and you would think, what the hell? This guy has nothing. He's just stagnating halfway up a mountain.

I suppose, in a sense, I do have nothing. The power to enact change comes with a price, namely at the cost of your motivation to enact change. What do you fight for when you can fight for anything you want? When you don't care like you used to?

Would you rather be confident or motivated? Because I chose confidence, I would choose confidence again if it came to it, and this is the kind of person I've become.

Going to eunice's house again was kind of a throwback to the old days. The old days where I was excited and I cared a lot. It was a good trip for me.

"The saddest people achieve the greatest things" - when did I write that? Many years ago, I'm sure. And for me it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mired in my own satisfaction, I am no longer driven - no longer jumping 100% on board with every idea that I have. No longer bristling at the world, trying to hide the worst parts of myself.

"You know that excited feeling, that spark when you look forwards to doing something? I feel like I've lost that feeling." - JM, a long time ago

My writing style hasn't changed much since I was you. Not surprising, as I haven't done much writing since.

Yeah, I'm 20 now. Feels strange, right? Entering the twenties, it's like I'm an adult or something. Why is it important that I read this when I'm 20? I've forgotten - I guess you didn't think it important enough to remember.

Sorry you can't read this letter. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm glad you can't read this letter. Because some things are just better off learned by experience, rather than dictated. Reading this letter wouldn't make you happy - it would make you sad.

I don't think you're a retard. What a surprise. You're someone I fully understand, someone who can finally understand me a bit. Maybe I haven't changed all that much in these last 4 years.

I know why you're writing, and I know why you need to feel better. I'm stopped writing, you know that? I'm stopped writing about myself completely. It was a great coping strategy while it lasted, but now it's over. Maybe that's a good sign - I feel pretty good about myself.

I just read the next paragraph, and it stopped me in my tracks. An echo of the old pain through my heart. Merely a shadow of what you felt, every day, lying in bed, wishing yourself to sleep. But a significant echo nonetheless, and I felt like falling to the earth in despair. Did I really go through that? How strong you are to deal with that every day.

Heartache hurts so much, and I've never forgotten. Other people will read your words, and they will make no sense. There are no pictures to go with the sentences, and the words are empty. empty words with no meaning. But for me, each sentence is filled with one of my emotions, and I've never forgotten.

Maybe that's why you cared so much about other people. Because you didn't want them to feel the same lonely ache every day. Because you didn't want them to become like you.

I'm better now, as Eragon says to Arya in Christopher Paolini's Eldest. An impressive half-truth, Eragon. Am I better now, too? Maybe I'm worse. Maybe I'm half-better, like Eragon.

What do I see in people nowadays? I see flaws and inadequacies, much like my own. I've been introspecting for a few days now while writing this letter.

Who am I?

I thought about it for those few days, and still I have no answer.

For I am my emotions, my desires, my beliefs, and my logic. I've got a fair few goals that I want to keep working on when I get some time. When I get some motivation.

"I've got a list of things I want to do. I think I'm at another tipping point where change is about to occur. It's going to be gooooood." - JM, a long time ago

---

Today I procrastinated for many hours. Didn't accomplish anything. Watched some videos. Another throwback to the old days, where I procrastinated and didn't accomplish anything. I felt kind of crappy when I did that. It was as if I was wasting time. As if time were something limited that I had to spend in the best possible way. I still get that feeling nowadays, sometimes. But I try not to feel that way, too much.

It's 1am now, you know? I'm feeling a bit pressured because I need to sleep soon. You would never have felt this way - you would have yolo'd all the way. But me, I'm getting enough sleep, and it's alright.

You're free of responsibilities. Me, I've tried to live like you for a day and it's already too late. There's so many things I should have done, so many things I've failed by taking a day off to do nothing. So many things I've promised other people that I'd do. I haven't done any of them - I've been doing nothing.

I wonder when I chose to start living this way. When I started being able to deal with this volume of work and responsibility. Maybe that was the day that I lost my spirit.

Fuck I can't even write this blog post properly because of the wrist pain.

I'd like to take pity on myself and make the excuse that I've been working too hard, but really, I haven't been working hard at all. I've been pretty much relaxing for the past year.

All these responsibilities I must fulfil - they're all for other people. I need to make sure my team is on track for my group project. As treasurer of my society, I need to compile the balance and ledger for next year, and handover the bank account. And I have to do it really damn fast. I need to make blog entries for my subject, lest I fail on the basis of not making sufficient blog posts. I need to transfer my goddamn superannuation before I leave the country.

Am I 'burnt out'? Not in the slightest. I almost just tried to coordinate my group project just by force of habit. Habitual responsibility.

Played some chess games and lost some chess games. I've become a lot better at losing. A lot better at being imperfect. At accepting my own flaws. I have pride as a player now. I don't hate my opponents anymore, and I earned my way to a 1650 rating with honour and good manners. Must have been all those Starcraft games that I lost.

Played some Starcraft games and won them all. Drop units into enemy base, win game. Seems like nothing has changed.

Both my wrists are screwed up. Time to sleep at freaking 1:30am because I'm a responsible adult. I told my friend that I need to rest, and he was ok with that. I'll feel better tomorrow.


Played multitask 2 again, and scored 138 or something. Then I gave up and played some other crappy flash game.

You wouldn't have given up like I did. You would have played the game again and again until you beat it. You never gave up when it came to a challenge. You would have asked for rematches over and over until you had won. That's how you got 150 wpm, by saying fuck you and believing you could always go one step further.

I'm getting a bit better at everything. On the path to improvement. I think I'm alright with not having a motivating purpose/feeling now. I was talking to alex and he was like, what's your dream, and I said, don't have one, where do you go to find a dream? and he said, oh, it comes to you as you go along life. So I shall just have faith in myself, or something. Here I come, future dream.

- Myself, a long time ago

I think I have a dream now, and it's pretty crappy. But it feels like it's truly my own.

"Is the HSC far behind you now?"
lol

"Maybe you got a scholarship to university. Probably not."
actually did. some token unsw progcomp scholarship. get rekt

"If you failed the HSC I hope the terrible ATAR you inevitably got doesn't linger in your mind too much. Don't regret the past too much. But I suppose I'm in no place to be giving advice to myself."
fucking wise words

"I'll throw in a bit about you, and then I'll finish this post because I need to do a lot of maths."
i bet you never did the maths. lazy bastard

I half-believe identity transcends appearance and personality, I guess. Man, you used to think about that a lot. Train rides would be completely filled with thoughts like "What makes up a person?" and "What is identity?" and "Do I exist?". I don't know, man. I don't think about these things anymore. I'm not you.

Yeah, you're a lot more idealistic than I am. You believed - you believed in things. You believed that all people were good (some people are crap. nothing you can do about that), you believed that you could become a grandmaster at chess (you don't have the motivation sorry), and you believed you could prove the world wrong (I still believe that. Come at me world)

25-year-old will come back to comment on this later. I think far-fetched dreams of youth are mostly destined to fail but some end up working. People give up on their dreams or change them, as they age, because they become better acquainted with reality. It takes time and effort to become a grandmaster, or to found your own country, or to cure cancer, or to eliminate homelessness. The thought of throwing your life into something for a decade...

... of waking up, 45 years old, having achieved nothing that you set out to do three decades ago...

... the thought of that would deter anyone.

I'm not giving up, though. I'm you. You never gave up when it mattered, and I owe it to you to at least have a go until the end.

I remember your notebook, I haven't touched it in years (half-better?), and I'll never forget you.

I remember the light that you saw in those around you, and how happy it made you to be alive. That's gone now. I'm a lot more friendly of a person now, a lot less reserved, a lot less displaced. Why do I feel as if I have nothing?

Thanks for the letter, though. It was a great read, and a great reflection on who I was, and where I came from. Sorry you'll never get your answers.

I'm an adult now, so I have less time. The next time I write, I'll have even less time than before. Hey there, 25-year-old self.

---

To the future version of me, I have nothing to say. I hope you're doing alright, though. Life probably gets harder as you get older, and I've got a million challenges ahead of me right now.

5 years ago, I wrote questions to myself. Questions I wanted to know the answers to. They certainly made the letter a lot more interesting to read. But now I have no questions left. I know where I'm going now, and I know what I can do. The future is my own, instead of in the hands of the world. Does that make sense?

I suppose one thing I'm wondering is if my personality will improve at all over the next 5 years. What lessons will there to be learned?

always

 blog survey, always

Question 1: If you were a cereal, what cereal would you be?

rice bubbles. plain, crunchy, and spontaneous.

Question 2: How many tabs or windows do you normally have open?

5-10 tabs, one window. I try to organise my tabs so that the most persistent ones (such as todo list or music) are on the left and the most transient ones (research, procrastination) are on the right. If I organise my tabs by persistency, then I can optimise my focus to the tabs on the right and largely ignore the tabs on the left. Never more than one window.

Question 3: Which personality type are you? (Sorry, I know it takes a while to do the test so don't worry about it if you're busy, just describe instead your personality from your perspective :D)

ENFP. I used to be an INFP. I think my identifying trait is my P - I've always hated rules and schedules.

I refuse to be chained by your damned rules. I'll make my own cages, thank you very much.

Question 4: What happened the last time you had to use a bandaid? If you don’t remember, answer with something that would potentially cause you to use one.

When I was in Canberra my roommate was teaching me to play guitar. All the strings were metal and the thin ones were really sharp. I drank a cup of bailey's then tried too hard and injured my finger and couldn't use it for a few days, and put a massive finger-cast over it to immobilise it in the meantime. My roommate thought it was really funny. Luckily it was the Christmas break. Working as a software developer with one hand is an interesting challenge, but it's not particularly pleasant or productive.

Question 5: What is something you have been putting off?

My tutoring blog posts. I have a queue of five in my to-do list, which is getting pretty ridiculous. Also my job applications. Last year I failed so many job interviews, but this year I'm back and applying for more jobs than ever. Job application upon job application upon job application.

Question 6: What would you would have drawn when you were thirteen? Is it the same kind of thing you would draw now?

Diagrams from my maths textbook. Couldn't even draw them well. no regrets

Question 7: What is something that surprised you the first time, but doesn't surprise you anymore?

This is a difficult question. It's difficult to think of things you are now accustomed to, because you're accustomed to them and don't really notice them anymore.

I suppose I used to be surprised by how good people can be at what they do. Now, having gone through countless hours of practice myself, I'm not as surprised anymore. This is just how people do things. They practice, they improve, and they transcend into a refinement of skill that unpracticed people have difficulty comprehending.

Question 8: What is something you have done this year that has surprised you?

This year I signed myself up to teach a 9am tute, and I haven't slept in for it yet. I am pleasantly surprised.

Question 9: Describe your use of pillows.

I put my head on them and go to sleep. In Canberra it was pretty hot and I used my blanket as my pillow and it was nice. Well-elevated pillows are nice.

Question 10: What is your preferred method of parking?

This is an unrelated note, but what's the deal with calling it "parallel parking"? It looks to me like the cars are always parallel regardless of parking style. When people say "parallel parking" I have no idea what they are talking about.

I prefer reverse side-to-kerb parking. It's usually a really tight space, which means it's more exciting and satisfying if you get it right.

Question 11: The first band or artist you ever got into?

jpop with Mami Kawada.

Question 12: Name your favourite and least favourite ice cream flavours.

My ice-cream preferences are similar to the rest of my preferences, unsurprisingly. I like coffee-flavoured ice cream and don't like banana-flavoured ice cream.

Question 13: What was the best discovery you made this year?

The discovery of my new programming competitions team. #LDDpride

Question 14: Name something you don’t want to regret when you’re older.

If you haven't read this: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2livoo/tifu_my_whole_life_my_regrets_as_a_46_year_old/ , then I think it's worth reading.

I don't want to regret becoming this person, and I think perhaps I am becoming this person. Lately I've been exceedingly focused on my work, simply because I have so much of it. My responsibilities are heavy. Or maybe I make them heavy for myself, because otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

To make time for leisure projects, I have to do even more work. How unfortunate.

Question 15: What is your favourite bird?

Rainbow lorikeet. They come to the front door and I feed them bread. Then they hear some bird sound in the distance and fly away.

Question 16: Rate rockmelon out of 10.

2.5/10 barely edible. Never have I ever liked rockmelon.

Question 17: What is a question people ask about/comment on people make about your name when you introduce yourself?

"What did you say?" - every time
Nowadays I introduce myself as David and have 0 problems.

Question 18: Describe your driving in three words.

omg red light

Question 19: What is your number 1 pet peeve?

People who don't have empathy for their students.

Question 20: The grammatical mistake which makes you cringe the most?

On the topic of personality types, "extraverted". I don't know why I particularly dislike it.